Last month, you got a little confused when informed by various experts:
“You need to eat more fish.” (uh, oh–you thought you ate boatloads of seafood–doesn’t fried parmesan-encrusted tilapia from Costco count?)
“Eat more leafy greens.” (you’ve been imbibing greens for 54 years, usually pretty leafy).
“Take one aspirin a day.” (you’ve been doing that already, but aren’t there warnings about stomach bleeding? Hard to keep track of all of the various warnings, especially when they are constantly in flux, but will do).
“Take ten trillion milligrams of calcium, daily.” (Help! Wasn’t there some recent connection with calcium supplements causing greater incidence of kidney stones and (gulp) heart attacks? Note to self–you need to watch the news tonight and catch up–by listening to the commercials. My dear friend, Sumner, is always amazed how the drug ads gently add such horrendous announcements at the end of each commercial: “Side-effects may include stroke, seizures, death, …or perhaps your heart falling out of your body…” in a calm, whispered voiceover).
“Lift weights.” (…but you’ve been lifting weights–well not like Madonna or LeBron–but like a regular woman, for at least 20 years).
“…And you may actually want less spf, and more sun–due to your Vitamin D deficiency.” (Man, been slathering that spf for years. What will your dermatologist say?)
But the killer was…no, not learning that you now have to have a colonoscopy every 3 years, nor that you now have to go to the Ob-Gyn twice a year–(well, you guess at this point in life it’s now just the ‘Gyn‘). And it wasn’t hearing the news that you had osteopenia, (a type of bone density loss that you had never even heard of it before, but were relieved to hear that it was common, and could be reversible, and any condition where the press has the gorgeous, gifted and quite youthful Gwyneth Paltrow as the new ‘poster child’ of sorts, for osteopenia, can’t be all bad). And don’t even get yourself started on all of your blood pressure and cholesterol concerns, etc.
No, the killer was, when your sweet, cheerful podiatrist advised:
“Believe it or not, you may want to think about wearing heels.”
Heels? You’ve been scaling back on those for years, trying to get more comfortable and save your arches and whatnot. You are speechless. But you remind yourself that the kind Dr. Weissman is trying very hard to ameliorate your flaming tendonitis. However, you will have to vote, that–
© ReelingintheYears, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given toReelingintheYears with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.