Wreath up, stockings down, set out old drippy candles that somewhat spread light around. Tree sort of up, but listing wildly against one wall. Boxes of lights and ornaments awaiteth, as well as rounds of signing, licking, addressing and stamping cards.
Rustle up to attic and finish bringing down the remainder of ye olde house decorations, and give them a dust and a fluff.
(Washing machine breaks; computer crashes; vacuum cleaner catches on fire; some large creature moves into a corner of your attic; AT & T takes the day off; your cable company takes the week off).
Maketh Ye Last Minute Purchases at Ye Olde Amazon.
Maketh Ye Last Minute Purchases at Ye Olde Best Buy. Schlep big boxes from big box stores into house.
Lo and behold, the big box trucks began to arrive in ye olde cul-de-sac, to deliver ye olde Amazon goods. Amazon needs to run the phone, cable companies and post offices.
Wrap, wrap, wrap.
Stand in line at the post office longer than you waited for the iPhone 4s, whilst juggling big boxes.
Steereth your old truck–like it’s a PT7 Cruiser–to Ye Olde Whole Food and purchaseth tenderloin and fixin’s for Christmas dinner.
Later stuck in traffic with groceries melting, visions of holiday decorations dance in your head: use Christmas runners instead of throws, over backs of chairs. Stuff blue juniper branches into mint julep cups to line your mantel. Cream roses and red berries in a glass vase for foyer. Find white Hypericum berries. Bring in holly from the back yard to mix with magnolia leaves from front yard for pot on top of armoire. Get poinsettias and topiaries from Trader Joe’s for breakfast room. Buy curly willow…did you clean up after the dog? Did you RSVP to that thingy? Didn’t you have a dental appointment this week?…Buy mistletoe…
Runneth in floral boutique. As you enter, the diminutive bespectacled owner, Weldon, pops open a can of La Croix. “Ahh, first beer of the day,” he sighs.
There are folks drinking sparkling water like beer, people, just to get through the retail season.
You ask him for holiday centerpiece ideas for the dining room table.
“Come on back and take a look at this,” he says, winding his way to the back. We set off a motion-activated Rudolph on a nearby table top. “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas!” begins blaring in the tiny bungalow, and the deer begins doing the twist.
“I’m gonna shoot that damn reindeer,” Weldon stops and says simply, then glances back at you. He can see you have that hectic, haunted, hunted, daunted, reindeer in the headlights look on your face, that you can’t possibly stay ahead, or on top of it all. December started without you.
“Let’s just breathe in and out, shall we?” he asks. “That’s my holiday mantra.”
“And perfect for Holiday ADHD,” you agree.
He shows you greenery and berries stuffed into an old French olive jar, and votives on a linen table runner. Simple. Done.
On the way to your next errand, a car dressed up like a reindeer nearly runs you off the road. Pull over. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Insert “Celebrate Me Home” cd to help your blood pressure plummet.
Whoever decided to install a Starbucks inside Target should be knighted.